My Navigator

Today, I was assigned to go to another government entity. I was surprised to learned that the office was located at the community where my late husband used to work as a facilities department’s group leader.

I’ve vowed to never visit the vicinity again. He loved that place. And he was proud working in that company.

We had so many memories there…

Since it was work related, I’ve decided to buckle up, took a deep breath and put on a brave act. I’ve told myself, I can do this!

The company driver and I reached the location at 1215 hours. Unfortunately, we were having a difficulty in finding the office.

I was beginning to get worried. I told the driver, we must reach the office before the client arrived. Uhm, let me try to call someone to give us the exact location.

I took my mobile phone from my purse and dialed a number.

However, an unfamiliar voice answered my ring.

I was surprised.

I immediately checked my phone.

And then I realized the number that I’ve called was my late husband’s direct line…

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Cheers to the Man Who had Stolen my Heart

It has been a year since I started writing blogs. To mark the first anniversary, I’ve decided to post the eulogy that I’ve said during the requiem mass for my husband, Ian O’Neil. It was held on March 09, 2015 at the Main Hall of St. Mary’s Church at 1900 hours.

Disclaimer: The information about pulmonary hypertension was taken from medical websites. I do not own any of those. I do not hold any rights. I was grieving when I composed the eulogy for my late husband. I’ve failed to save the sources for proper acknowledgements. Also, I cannot remember the exact sites anymore.

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Ian O’Neil Morales -Licensed First Aider

Born to be a Hero

Good evening everyone. Tonight we are all gathered here to commemorate my late husband’s life. It is indeed an overwhelming feeling to see everyone in one place to celebrate his wonderful and fruitful life.

Ian and I have met in one of the activities of the SFC- CFC Family Ministry seven years ago. We immediately became friends; we fell in love and then we decided to get married.

He was my lover, my best friend, my soulmate, and of course my personal chef. He was my all, my everything. He was God’s greatest gift to me. I could never ask God for more. He was the answer to all my prayers. And that seven years of togetherness was my most treasured memory. It was short but it was the happiest moment of my life.

Like any other ordinary couple, we too had our share of ups and downs. Despite of all those, he remained steadfast. He was my pillar of strength. He was faithful to God and he’d always believed in miracles.

We may not be financially abundant but we were happy and contented with what we had. He’d provided everything that I needed. He’d showered me with so much love and care. He’d accepted me for what I was. He was faithful to me and he believed in me. He’d supported me with all my challenges and potentials. And most of all, he’d brought me closer to God.

Yes, I was truly happy… deliriously ecstatic, straight to the bones happiness.

Our marriage was tested a lot of times. In the first few years of our union, I’ve had three recurrent miscarriage. He pulled me from the pool of despair and self-pity. On 2013, I got pregnant again. However, my water bag broke on the fifth month of my pregnancy. I was then put on complete bed rest for two months. He took care of me. He did all the household chores. He cooked our food, managed the laundry, he even gave me a bath and changed my diaper. On top of that, he also reported for work. I never heard him complained. I’ve felt his unconditional love even more. He’d never lost hope. He’d believed that our baby will survive the ordeal. Unfortunately, Isaac Lemuel died thirteen hours after I gave birth to him.

Regardless of what happened, he did not waver and trusted God only. He’d always chosen to see the positive side of every situation. He comforted me and said,

someday we will have our own child. We just have to believe. We’ve took care of Isaac fivefold than the previous pregnancies. The next time we get pregnant, we will double the effort that we’ve given and surely we will finally see our baby. We don’t know the reason, but God is gracious and merciful. He will grant our hearts’ desire.

While I was having a difficult pregnancy, he also had found out that my mom was suffering from liver cancer. He’d kept the information to himself to protect me and our son. He didn’t tell me that my mom only had six months to live. Instead he showered me with love and support even more. I could only imagine what he had gone through as he carried the heavy load of worrying about me and my parents.

I’d only learned the truth about my mom after Isaac died. And on the second month of year 2014, my mom also died. Again he was my source of strength. He was a constant charger which steadily gave me the tenacity to carry on and to have more faith in God.

All the while, he was suffering from a rare, progressive disorder. It is called pulmonary hypertension or PH. It is a lung disorder in which the arteries that carry blood from the heart to the lungs become narrowed, making it difficult for blood to flow through the vessels. As a result, the blood pressure in these pulmonary arteries rises far above normal levels. This abnormally high pressure strains the right ventricle of the heart, causing it to expand in size. Overworked and enlarged, the right ventricle gradually becomes weaker and loses its ability to pump enough blood to the lungs. This could lead to the development of right heart failure.

There is currently no cure for PH. It’s a progressive disease, which means that it can advance quickly. If left untreated, the disease can be life threatening within a couple of years.

However, the disease can be managed. Some patients can make lifestyle changes and monitor their health. But for many patients, PH can lead to heart failure and their overall health can be in great danger. Medications and lifestyle modifications are intended to slow the progression of the disease. There are two ways to manage the illness: one is by medicines, but these tablets relieve the symptoms only. And there is only one medicine available in the country. The second is through heart and lung transplant. Healthy organs can be implanted, but transplant surgery has its risks. It’s a complicated operation, and there is always a waiting list for healthy organs.

Statistics show that it takes patients about 2.8 years from symptom onset to diagnosis. PH symptoms are often confused with asthma or COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). Thus, they usually spend 2.3 years seeking an accurate diagnosis. They need to see three doctors before they are properly diagnosed. And by that time the disease may have progressed already. So basically, the life span of a PH patient is 2.8 years with or without medication.

And yet, God is a generous a God. He loves us both so much that He prolonged my husband’s life for another two years.

To have an idea how a PH patient feels, you may want to take the PH Straw Test. All you need is a straw. First is unwrapped the straw. Second, hold your nose. And third, breathe through the straw for a minute. This is how a PH patient feels one thousand, four hundred and forty minutes a day.

People with PH often don’t look sick. That was how he projected himself. People who weren’t aware of his condition will never realize that he was suffering from this rare disorder. He was always smiling, full of energy and he loved to make people happy. He’d always had a positive outlook in life.

Yesterday while I was browsing his mobile phone, I saw a page where he compiled all his favorite quotes. On top of his list is the quote of Mr. Vince Lombardi. It says:

I believe in God and I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour – his greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear – is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious.

I sincerely believe that Ian has fought a good battle and he had won. He was able to touch lives in his own special way. He was born to be a hero. He became an inspiration to all of us. He didn’t want to be remembered as a person who was very sickly. Instead, he wanted to let other people know that despite of all the trials, we should always hold on to God. And to never lose hope because He is always there for us. He will make a way.

Papa, I know that you’re so much delighted today because the people you love: your family and friends, your officemates, schoolmates, flatmates and especially the Couples for Christ Family Community are all here. I could clearly imagine your ear to ear smile and your endearing gesture when you are embarrassed. Even though I am grieving, I am still thankful to God because you are now free from any illnesses and anxieties. I know that you are also with Isaac now. And I’m sure you couldn’t get enough of him.

Papa, I know that it is very hard to pick my shattered self up, but I will try my hardest to live the kind of life that you wanted me to have. You’d wished for me to be closer to God, to be more faithful and to always trust Him. You’d also wanted me to serve Him in all possible means. You’d also wished for me to never lose hope and to be positive always. I’ll strive to be your living legacy, so people will know the kind of influence you’d brought into my life.

My words will never be enough, but I know you know how much you mean to me. I love you very much with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my body, and with all my soul. You may have gone physically but you will remain in my heart till forever.

Papa, please be at peace because I am going to be fine. I will work hard to be a good person so when my time is up, we will be together again in heaven. And our family of six will finally be complete.

I am extending my heartfelt gratitude to everyone. To our families and friends, officemates, schoolmates, flatmates and especially the Couples for Christ Community, thank you for your overflowing love, kindness and support. Everything that you’ve done is engraved in our hearts. Everything is deeply appreciated, especially when he was in the hospital fighting for his life. You all have come and offered prayers for his healing. You all have become our support. Everything will be eternally remembered. I believe God will bless your hearts more.

Papa Ian will live on forever, in the hearts of those whom he’d touched.

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This picture was taken an hour before the Requiem Mass. People have started gathering and settling at their seats.

The Driver

If you decided to allow God to take in charge of your life, you must give Him the wheel, trust His driving skills and then enjoy the ride. He knows the way and He will take you home.

This Is Me, Now

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Q: You’ve been posting quite a lot of blogs pertaining to your thoughts and emotions. Are you not afraid that people will judge you? Think nasty things about you?

A: No. In the first place, I wouldn’t post an article if I’m afraid to get mocked, judged, or laughed at. After everything that I’ve been through, I’m already done with pleasing everyone around me. I’m fed up of saying yes to them. I’m just too tired. I’ve had enough. I’ve only ended up lonely and confused.

This time, I just would like to live my life. This is my life. My own terms. My own rules. I will live it, the way I want it.

I wouldn’t hold anything against those people who will judge me without knowing who I really am and what I’ve experienced. I also wouldn’t force myself to other people to like me.

On the other hand, I’m cherishing those who loved me just as I am. I have a lot of flaws, but they still accepted me. They may be few but true. I’m happy and contented with them and I love each one of them… tenfold.

Missing Words

Dear Vocabulary Fairy,

I have numerous ideas stored in my brain. And I want to put them all in writing. However, I can’t find the right words to express them.

Can you visit me tonight?

Sincerely,

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