Since the time I finished composing the poem dedicated to the man who came after, I fell in deep thought of whether or not to share it with him.
I have asked the opinions of my friends about it. Majority of them advised me to let him read it. Their comments were funny but ironically true. To mention a few, they said: Don’t you think you’re too old to act like it is your first time? Hello?! How old are you? May I remind you that you’re no longer a teenager! Are you not in the right age to know what you truly feel? Time is precious, why are you hesitating?
Their remarks made me feel small, dense and laughable. But I just shrugged it off and smiled with them instead.
If there were people who agreed with the idea, then definitely there were those who opposed it. In fact, those were my two closest friends. They said, there is no need to tell your feelings; if he likes you then let him do the first move.
Okay, that made me more confused. And more questions poured in…
Anyhow, I have noted down the points which they [friends] wanted me to ponder before I come up with a decision.
What is stopping you to hand over the letter?
Self-respect. Self-worth. Pride. Principles. Beliefs.
Are you mentally and emotionally ready to hear his answer?
Actually, what I planned to do was to send the message to him. I know he’s smart enough to understand what it implies. I will then shut down all means of communications. Coward, much? Yeah! And then I will wait for his reply. Really? Can you that? Nah! Just kidding! I think I will never be ready to either know his reaction or to hear his response. Hahaha!
If he rejected you, will you be able to accept it?
Whoa! A big fat ouchie! Allow me to pet my pride for a minute. Uhm huhu… huhu… huhu… there, there, there! Everything will be okay, honey! Hahaha! I would not be able to handle the rejection; so it is better for me not hear anything from him.
If the feeling is mutual, are you ready to commit yourself again?
Duh! Like it is going to happen! I know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. Anyhow, I guess I will cross the bridge when I get there. That is- if- I ever get there. LOL! It is like, if pigs could fly- of course it is impossible!
Do you love him? Or do you like him?
Love… no, I don’t think so. No, I’m not in love.
Like… uhm, maybe yes. Maybe no. Or probably somewhere in between.
Attraction… perhaps. A little.
I need to figure this out first, though! LOL!
What is pushing you to tell him?
I want this out of my chest. Whether his answer is favorable or not; the important thing is, I will be set free from this nameless emotion. I will be able to stop myself from thinking about him. I will move on, flip the next page of my book and go on with my life.
Moreover, one of the lessons I learned in life is to go after what I truly want before it is too late. I used to be hesitant and altruistic. And because of that, I have quite a number of shattered dreams. I can only blame myself but I can’t travel back in time.
I don’t want to live a life with regrets anymore.
Hence, whether the result is good or bad, at least I tried. Whew! Serious much?! Hahaha!
Anyway, after cutting off all links, if he is interested then he will take a step to reach for me. If not, then I gather that he is not into me – at all! Boom, pak pak! Yikes! What a heavy blow to take! I guess I have to do some warm up exercises so I could run as fast and as far as I can; I need to protect myself from getting hit! Hahaha!
If he is in front of you right now, what would you like to ask him?
Uhm, Hi! Can you be my friend?
Uh huh huh! I think I just died- like- right this very minute! It is sooo embarrassing!
Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Ahh! Oh. My. Gosh! I believe I just made a confession! It was my first time and I just made a fool out of myself! I think I am sooo ohhh going to regret this for the rest of my life! Hahaha!
Oops, wait! Note to Self: Regardless of the outcome, at least I tried my best. I did my part.
Live a life without regrets. It is either a lesson learned or a good experience.