Now that It is Gone
Years of numbness is now gone;
The anesthesia wore off.
The dressing is removed.
The protective coating is dissolved.
I’m finally awake.
The wound is raw.
It is real.
I can feel the pain.
It is indescribable.
Where will this lead me to?
It was just an ordinary day. I was sitting on my desk. I was busy auditing the supplier’s invoice, when I felt something fell on my arm. I looked down and I saw a few drops of water.
Did I make a fool out of myself for drinking water like a kid again? I muted.
I looked at the mug next to me, but it was still full. I felt my cheeks and it was wet. I then realized that tears were falling from my eyes.
Actually, I was feeling low for about a week already. It was like the world tumbled down and crushed me. I felt trapped in an inescapable cage.
My chest began to constrict. My breathing became heavy and my mind started spinning. I wanted to shout! To scream! I wanted to free my pent-up thoughts and feelings!
Papa Ian, why do you have to go? You promised me that you will never leave me. You said you will never hurt me.
And yet, you still left. I whispered.
Neither words nor tears could bring you back. I know, because I tried. I called for you. I looked for you. But you were no longer there.
You took everything when you went away. I was left with nothing. My dreams, my hopes… they were all gone.
Papa, why do you have to die; and none of our kids survived?
Why does my mom also have to leave? Why does my dad have to suffer a stroke?
Why did all of those things have to happen to me?
Did I do something horrible to deserve all those?
I knew everything has a reason. Despite all those heartaches, I still trust God. I still love Him. And I believe in Him. He has His plans.
However, I do doubt my worth. Perhaps, I do deserve those.
My emotions flew away from me. I became numb. I regressed to how I was before, a withdrawn person. It was like I took a bite of Snow White’s poisonous apple and slept. I was oblivious of my surrounding.
And now I am fully awake.
At this very minute, I am hurting. A tidal wave of emotions floored my whole being. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am disappointed.
And I am alone.
I am tired of being strong- for too long. I am weary of being everybody’s pillar. I’ve been trying my hardest to help everyone I know.
My husband was the source of my strength. My happiness. His smile lifted up my exhausted spirit. His love was my charger, my energizer. Unfortunately, he is now gone.
I don’t know. Maybe I am just too stressed or burned- out.
Regardless of the reason, I guess feelings are finally coming back to me. Its intensity is physically making me weak, mentally draining and emotionally vulnerable.
Does it mean I am beginning to heal?
Does it mean I already have started to move forward with my life?
It is going to be hard, real hard.
It will be difficult to pick up the broken pieces of myself.
I know I can… but how? Where should I begin?