Now that It is Gone
Years of numbness is now gone;
The anesthesia wore off.
The dressing is removed.
The protective coating is dissolved.
I’m finally awake.
The wound is raw.
It is real.
I can feel the pain.
It is indescribable.
Where will this lead me to?
It was just an ordinary day in the office. I was sitting on my desk, busy auditing the supplier’s invoice, when I felt something on my arm. I looked down and saw a few drops of water.
Did I make a fool out of myself for drinking water like a kid again? I muted. I looked at the mug next to me, but it was still full. Oh, crap! Are these tears? I asked. I then felt my cheeks and it was wet. Damn, I’m crying!
Actually, I was feeling dispirited for about a week already. It was like the world tumbled down and crushed me; a feeling of being trapped in an inescapable cage.
My chest began to constrict. My breathing became heavy and my mind started spinning. I wanted to shout! To scream! I wanted to free my pent-up thoughts and feelings!
Papa Ian, why do you have to go? You promised that you’ll never leave me. You said you’ll never hurt me.
And yet, you still left. I whispered.
Neither words nor tears could bring you back. I know, because I tried. I called for you. I looked for you. But you were no longer here.
You took everything when you went away. I was left with nothing. My dreams, my hopes, they’re all gone.
Papa, why do you have to die; and none of our kids survived?
Why does my mom also have to leave?
Why does my dad have to suffer a stroke?
Why did all of those things have to happen to me?
Did I do something horrible to deserve all those?
My mind was filled with questions.
I knew everything has a reason, though. And in spite of everything that has happened, I still trust God. I still love Him. I still believe in Him.
My emotions flew away from me. I became numb. I regressed to how I was before- a withdrawn person. It was like I took a bite of Snow White’s poisonous apple and slept for a long, long time. I was oblivious of my surrounding.
And now I’m fully awake.
At this very minute, I’m hurting. A tidal wave of emotions floored my whole being. I’m angry, frustrated, and disappointed. I’m alone.
I’m tired of being strong- for too long. I’m weary of being everybody’s pillar. I’ve been trying my hardest to help everyone I know.
My husband was the source of my strength, my happiness. His smile lifted up my exhausted spirit. His love was my charger, my energizer. Unfortunately, he’s now gone.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too stressed or perhaps, burned- out.
Regardless of the reason, I guess feelings are finally coming back to me. Its intensity is physically making me weak, mentally draining and emotionally vulnerable.
Does this means my healing finally started?
It is going to be hard, real hard. It will be difficult to pick up the broken pieces of myself. I know I can, but how? Where should I begin?