The Smile in My Heart

It was just another ordinary day. I went to my post, worked for ten hours and at 6:30 pm sharp, I ran out of the office to catch the bus. My travel time is usually one hour and fifteen minutes. To kill the time, I either listen to music, read a manga, watch an anime, update my journal or just watch the passengers board and alight the bus.

When listening to music, I normally select the list according to artists; but that day I have chosen the all tracks instead and put the shuffle mode on. I wore my headset, clicked the manga mobile app and continued reading the Shinobi Life shoujo.

I decided to turn the playlist off because I needed to concentrate with the manga; the scenes were getting more and more exciting and the music became a distraction to me. As I was taking the phone from my purse, the song With a Smile by the Eraserheads played. I was so surprised that I literally froze for few seconds. The last time I heard that song was eleven months ago.

The piece reminded me of my husband, Ian O’Neil. He used to serenade me with OPM songs, including the tracks of the E-heads. There were also instances where he would drag me out of the bed just to dance with him. He knew I will be annoyed because dancing and I were not compatible. Arguing with him was useless; I didn’t have the strength to defy him. All I did was smile, laugh and give in to his antics. Can you imagine a robot absurdly dancing and a tone- deaf singing at the top of his lungs?! I know it was a crazy scene but we had a lot of fun!  Sorry, Papa Ian, I was badmouthing you, hahaha! There wasn’t any dull moment with him. And I too, loved teasing him!

With a Smile… this specific song struck me with incomparable feelings. It made me yearn for him more.

I reached the flat. I climbed up to my bed, pulled the blanket over my head and cried.

After some time, I calmed down. I reached for my mobile phone and clicked the messenger icon. I searched for the conversation I had with a friend. Her messages never failed to comfort me. She is one of God’s angels sent to aid me during the lowest point of my life. Even though she and I didn’t have the chance to meet personally, but she helped me speak with my husband.

She has the ability to see and converse with my departed spouse. Through her, I was able to know his thoughts and feelings, as well as the people and places he visited before going to heaven. I will probably write a separate blog for this special experience.

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On 17 March 2015, she replied to my message. She said:

Hi! Ian showed up facing the rising sun. He didn’t say a thing. He was with a baby and two old women. He was smiling, or probably happy. With a Smile is the song being played while he waved goodbye…. towards the direction of the rising sun.

My husband was a good person, so I knew that he went to heaven together with our son, Isaac Lemuel* (a baby) and two old women. I am guessing they were my mother and my mother- in- law. I believe the rising sun is Jesus Christ and Ian went with Him to His Kingdom.

*Related Article:  We Would Love to Hear Our Baby Cry

He was smiling while waving goodbye. He knew that I always worry about him, so he wanted to show that he is now happy and free from his sickness… and that I don’t have to worry anymore. He wished for me to see that he is with our son and they will be staying in an abode which is filled with love and joy; he will rest in a place where suffering is a nonexistence. And his new home is called heaven…

With a Smile… why did he choose this song? What does it mean? Is there any significance? I was informed that a spirit doesn’t converse verbally but speaks through the mind of the medium. Knowing my Papa Ian, he wanted to comfort me and relayed his message using that song. I searched for its lyrics and this is what I have found.


With a Smile
by Eraserheads

Lift your head, baby, don’t be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You’ll get by with a smile
You can’t win at everything but you can try.

Baby, you don’t have to worry
‘Coz there ain’t no need to hurry
No one ever said that there’s an easy way
When they’re closing all their doors
And they don’t want you anymore
This sounds funny but I’ll say it anyway.

Babe, I’ll stay through the bad times
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
I’ll get by if you smile
You can never be too happy in this life.

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It’s a wonder love can make the world go round
And don’t let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You’ll get along with a little prayer and a song.

(Too doo doo…)
Let me hear you sing it
(Too doo doo…)

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It’s a wonder love can make the world go round
But don’t let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You’ll get along with a little prayer and a song.

Lift your head, baby, don’t be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You’ll get by with a smile
Now it’s time to kiss away those tears goodbye

(Too doo doo…)
Let me hear you sing it
(Too doo doo…)

When I read the lyrics, I could imagine Papa Ian singing this to me. I believe in my heart that this was his true feelings.

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He knew I will be afraid. I will be too scared to face the world without him. I was dependent on him;  he was my strength, my shield, my support… he was my everything.

I could still recall the day he told me that he loved seeing me smile. Although he is already gone, he didn’t want me to lose the smile he once fell in love with. He wished for me to continue living… even without him.

He wanted me to dry my tears, move forward* and smile again.

*Related Article: The Thin Line Between Moving On and Moving Forward

Papa Ian, you left me too soon and my world turned upside down. I know it is very hard, but I am trying my best to build my life again. I am persevering to carry out every plan and dream we had. I am applying all the things that you have taught me to create a better future. I will make you proud of me. And I promise to continue smiling for I know that you are also smiling down at me from heaven.

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